Living in a glassbowl…

Fridays… I never looked up for such a day as much as I do now. The wonders of being forced to live one day at a time and finally loving that kind of routine. Sometimes when you foresee your future too much you tend to be hypercritical about what goes on for now, what could make or break your tomorrow, what could make you as a whole. Even when that whole is imaginary you tend to run after endless imaginaries and you find no contentment, if ever it exists at all, at the end of the road… missing out the details of what might have been “you” in a situation before those “tomorrows”. I’ve battled 4 weeks in PGH, and now all perspectives are turned. It’s no longer about guarding your future for things that can make it go wrong, or worst…go away, but about making everything go away to just let everything  go wrong, for you to have a chance to re-construct things that you didn’t know how to manage. It’s no longer what things I CAN’T do, but about what things I could learn from and eventually MASTER.

I’m stealing 5 min off my vanity time to write down my thoughts, never minding the notes that I should’ve finished for the night. You just write down. You feel happy. I scrapped out writing to manage all things that are expected of me for 2 months, I guess. Now, I ask my self back? What’s the difference between those cluttered groups everywhere whose sense of fashion yells about individuality and rebellion while in fact they all wear the same style of clothing and those people who scrap writing when they love it just to make time for things that are thought to be expected of her? Nothing. It’s just a matter of how well you blend with the selflessness of the crowd.

Everyday makes you an every-other person. I am overwhelmed by the changes that happened in a few months. Your mind broadens, it’s no longer hard for a 5-people, 1-critical appraising psyche to fit in. No matter how far you blend with others, you will always find that way back to your core values and aims. In turn, your core values and aims are re-constructed time-after time. It’s easier this time, all because, YOU ARE NO LONGER AFRAID. How typical for us all to undergo such archetypal process. Didn’t I hear that once in a song? You live and learn… But it doesn’t end at that. You live again…only, better and you find out that BEST is really not for you to state unless you’ve finally reached a limit. Limits are hard to find when fortuities and changes happen everyday.

Changes are indeed inevitable, that I understand now.

           A sudden urge to cry has broken unto me. I don’t know why. The feelings that hid behind these unpronounced tears are faint. Just a moment ago I was listening to myself talking to a friend and saying “I am happy, perfectly happy”, yet I’m crying now with no apparent reason. What I hold now is a feeling that has been redefined and undefined since time immemorial. Now the feeling shackles me. Or feeling unfolds and I’m not ready for it. I am not made to sense it. Meaning, here I am. Is this what you are?

            To say that you are in love seems quite easy. As easy as falling after years of self-induced celibacy, it is but a whim suppressed by identity. And so, is it what it’s supposed to be? I dare not say yes. Desperation eager to be abandoned was never my art. I once thought that love was a new beginning, neither an end to an unwelcomed circumstance nor alternative for an internal vacuum. Until now that belief still stands. Love is a choice, a past revisited, a future pursued, an attempt. Pick a version and hope that it stays as luscious as it is…forever. Forever is the worst unknown of a person in love. I don’t want to dwell in it. Forever makes me feel empty like a kid searching for a myth, handed down but was never held by anybody’s hand. We spend time trying to preserve love to cheat on time and as we do it, time passes and love fades uncelebrated. Save me from this. Love is defeat from a person stronger than you are. A rival or a lover? It doesn’t matter when you’re drenched in betrayal and you welcome pain as life. And life has been great. Betrayal was mine. Love is an experience and being that makes it harder to encapsulate in just a single figure. In a sea of thoughts, it pays to place yours, but with love… you will always find a story, better than, similar to or contradicting what you hold. It is easier to own than define. Chaos…

Laughter. Fidelity. French fries. Kisses. Tests. Survival. Togetherness. Bond. You.

Me.

This morning I was dancing. Convulsions of me and these tears are one and hunted me. I needed to express and now I’m writing. In order to describe a moment I let myself be caught in and by words…and…TEARS. I only think of YOU as I write and cry.

To the ends of my senses, it flows like water through the glands of my eyes. I might not know how to put such feelings into words, I may never dare commit follies that fools would inherit, the world is full and it needs no cliché, more so I would not create duplicates… But… I  am feeling it now. Love through the receptive activity of this human body, I am feeling it now. Be damned you ubermensch who made me feel this. Didn’t you know that such sentiment could kill? Happiness is containable. Perfection is something I could attest to. But this? This thing that makes me cry and makes me want to feel more of you, this despair to soar beyond my limits, this good feeling… pushes me to the ends of my senses. For a moment I am not human, this feeling is non-existent to the world. Why would I define? It’s perfect. It’s mine.

…and now I can pour it out, like liquor for an untamed heart. Hear it once again… “I am happy, perfectly happy”. If the world needs to comprehend, let’s put it this way…

“I am in LOVE”…. 

Happiness. Moments. Perfection. Love. Learning. Winning. Us. You said I am beautiful. You and me as each other’s masterpiece. All these in a life’s spark.  Thanks to you. =)

           For a moment, stop eating your fries…As I sit beside the most vulnerable and powerful man alive, as I share my quirk and my pleas, for god’s sake stop eating your fries!

            Was God even alive? Was god an entity fuller than what he really is? Are you a God? Everybody speaks out and nothing seems new. Why then should I listen? What more? Speak? And you try to explain. And you try to shed light to this poor subtle mind of mine. I feel stupid but I take it as it is and I take stupidity as folly. I refuse to be called that. I am limited but am, as I would like to be seen, learning. Why think when everybody already does?

Bakit kahit baduy yung kanta kumakanta ako?.. Parang kanta lang yan… plus philosophy plus science and science and philosophy. Lalung di ko naintindihan.

            It’s a given. A code of life, a curse to the living and you try to expound. Ask me and I answer with a shrug. At an instant I was disturbed by my nothingness. Wisdom to me is oblivious, if not, nonexistent. When I’m beside you I feel like a student, a colleague, a minion. Why are you so wise that I find it hard to penetrate? Yet you’re mine. There’s no use pondering over what’s historic, and so I’m back to my questions.

            The world is spinning, a bomb exploding over endless questions and she sits there eating her fries. I was made uncomfortable by such silence, by such peace. I go back to myself and his query echoed… so What do you think? You could say what you want, philosophize all you want. I am a scientist, I know thinking is a brain function a symbol of existence, awareness and life… AND I never wanted to be alone. That’s why I have you, that’s why I have my questions and ultimately the reason why I’m welcoming it. Thinking means breathing and it’s not something you can impose. You live by your own system even if you try holding it back. Silently I’m imposing something. Why think when everybody already does? Why listen when everybody speaks same thoughts over and over again? I thirst for life. Because I cannot impose, because I am limited…learning and don’t want to be alone. It’s my way of hearing other airways open, my way of living, breathing. It feels good to know others function as you do. A song, an article, a conversation and silence, suddenly I knew… all along I found existence on contentions and figuring things out has sustained me. It made me happy and kept me alive. There goes the shrug and no words were given out. And he says… Think about it, you should speak. Define yourself, your own. And I smile. I own a big thinking being, an airway broadly opened. And I hug you… you smile back.

            We are so in love and the world has revolved twenty million folds right that very moment… but some people are indifferent. We smile. And you say… look at that girl. Sarap nya kumain no? I’m well adjusted to your silly jokes. I would rather watch you smile. I say… yeah, she just won’t stop eating her fries. =)

And it’s been three years… ubermench… never fails, never fades…

Happiness in claiming what’s mine, of giving you what’s fit;

Never a day, that a tear fell from your presence, smiles are solely yours to provide

Says we can’t make it… falsified.

Live a thousand years more, let thousands bleed more.

Stay and I shall do the same, insistently

Having you, indefinable…

Thank you…

dear one.

as i said,I’m part pride part ignorance, deranged oftentimes confused… my recent blog entry is a contradiction of what I have. I’m confused but am happy. Heartbreaks are from me to a person I’m willing to give up for the sake of fidelity and intuition…of love, a concept who’s meaning I cannot fully grasp. It’s my limit and not anybody else’s.

Whew! Manila has turned into a jungle in just a snap. But what can make a day more special than counting ages out of a fallen tree’s belly.30 rings…Fairies in a playfield. Thanks Ate nikki…

All I do today is trying to be brave

And no melody can seem to soothe my mind

And now I curse you for being so sweet and so kind…

One day I’d learn to forget about you. As I find all the reasons to stay, I find myself walking away. What border is it that separates me from you, a barrier you created years ago? Is it commitment outside what is ours? Is it just time, too much time has elapsed without you being there. God knows, you taught me how to hate and forget. I remember how it feels to love you, but how it feels to hold on to you… that I do not know. To risk? That I am not capable of doing. If one day this shall turn into regret…as it was once your mistake, I’d feed myself with solitude. I’m confused. If destiny shall decide, I will hold on to you. If destiny shall take its part, I will come back. Destiny is indecision. Destiny is cowardice. …and yes I don’t have the courage to hold on or to let go. Bravery, I need not now. I hear your loneliness more than you do, I’m not a stone. I curse you for putting me into such a hard feat. To love you is to sacrifice, to be hurt, to be happy, to be left alone, to die for a while, to struggle, to survive, to be begged to come back, to be left on choices, to abandon my refuge, to hold you once again and to doubt whether or not to return to that cycle… to be hurt again. Don’t ask me if I love you. Don’t ask me about the things that I know very well but I’m not capable of defending. Hate me, but know this… I hate myself more than you do. My oath to the man who owns me, my heart to a man I once knew.

I see you’re moving on… and I don’t want to grab you while I’m still holding on to these doubts. One word and you shall come back but it’s not what I want. I shall wish you happiness, hoping that I shall find peace wihen you’re gone. My indecisions shall not make you suffer. Move on as you do, I felt it just today… you’re doing fine and you’ll be fine. I’m somebody else’s own. Smiles and sparks shall be replaced by indecisions for I am holding HIM. You taught me how to forget, let my memory grasp that wisdom. Goodbye… as if I’ll find dignity in these words. Goodbye is never eternal. When will I ever learn to mean those words? One day… some day… My oath to the man who owns me, my heart to a man I once knew…

             Just finished editing my profile… dark huh? Lots of luck… dices rain? Even if a week of hell is about to come and soon I’ll be hiding under tons of books and photocopied materials. I’m good! Well tamed!

                Funny things have happened to me these past few days. I’m a bit quirky at times. I don’t know, guess life’s a funny thing. You try to be kind, you end up being hurt, you try to be bad, and you end up being loved. Everything’s the opposite of what you expect. While I’m supposed to read about physical agents, therapeutic ranges and memorize values that are fun but are irrelevant to me at this moment, I’m letting words flow. After deadlines-after-deadlines, once again, I’m writing. Hang-over.

                Hey superman! Thanks for the smiles! Now I’m refrained from getting hold of books that’d make me learn about the practicalities-of –life. You could never be too old to feel butterflies in your tummy. 2 bottles in exchange for a kiss? When will I ever learn to withhold this kindness as a tribute to myself? How can a person make you see ceaseless horizons and make you want to share more? The possibilities of these things that I’m experiencing were once faint, nearly void. All these time I was right. Good choices come with perfect moments and a bunch of my wrong ones were remedied by this superhero I own. Walking with you, we saw familiar faces; I was supposed to be naughty. What for? It’ll never please me the way your reaction did. Raise “her” temper? Always is, always will be. See? I didn’t need it. What’s the hug for? What’s the kiss for? 2 bottles in exchange of a kiss! Naughtiness subdued by a superhero’s reaction…. Perfect! I came and you are grateful, I know it my dear. Go on, be that ubermench for me. No need to tell me how it feels like to be mine. I knew it even before. I’ve struggled too short, lived too long, smiled so much. I’m getting a lot younger, feeling these butterflies in my tummy. *giggles*☺… and more…

                It’s time to laugh at myself. I’ve been dull enough to judge other people, lose my nerves and yell. Very uncultured…me…me…me! I have yet to learn more about diversities and adjustments. What a big word… COMPROMISE! Soon I’ll be big enough for it, I hope!

                Make fun out of yourself. Jokes even the silliest ones add light to a busy girl’s life! To our mentors and the “EGG”, common things are often left out. Thanks for reminding me. Electrogastrogram? I twisted brain lobes to answer that. Sayang efforts ko! To stragol!, 5 pols and 5 colors, Aruuuu! Admit it, you tried to be hyper-creative… sineseryoso ba ang jokes? Competitive Patient na, Competitive victim pa! jutes! And ostrich!!!!!!!!!!!! Aside from having 7 cervical vertebrae (same count as ours), ang tagalog nito ay “PABO”, lacap 2006! Haha! Ostrich!!!!!

                I’m not making any sense and it’s basically my aim; to joke around while I’m not yet sandwiched by my beloved “learning” obligations. Ostrich!!!!! Giggles, giggles!

Word for the day!!!!

ang english ng itik a.k.a "pabo" ay OSTRICH!!! astig!

exams!!!! darn!!!!