green shirt…
Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
I wore a green shirt today, I have always been fascinated with beauty and there seem to be no connection between this two thoughts yet I’m certain that there is something superior among these two none related fabrications of my fickle mind.
Today is a revelation. At last, turmoil came to an end.
If I could only scrape a bit of inattentiveness off my psyche, it would be a relief, for days have passed and I was offered the taste of freedom that was mine all along yet I didn’t dare notice it. Or was I too preoccupied with things that didn’t deserve a bit of my interest?
What kind of freedom? Of what sort? from where? what for?
Let’s just say that today I have faced the fact that I need to leave things undone, not some but a whole lot of it. People do change or maybe they just don’t for them themselves are but products of minute changes that occurred long before they became who they are, long before they chose to become what they are. Changes change course. They get tired of flowing in the route of a single stone. A desire is not concrete and as I have recently learned, I hope someday I’ll be proven right, in what way I wouldn’t wish to know… Desire is of no consequence and there are times when its none-pertinence needs to be tinted. Sometimes impossibility could be real and you have to accept it. Things happen and for once I will make them happen, now that I came to this awareness, now that I finally found the source of the tumult that disturb-ED me… It’s time for me to rest.
Diffidence is not mine to resolve and treason is not mine to seize, for even when they existed, or as they still exist, I am living in my own world and it hasn’t been my predicament. Forgetting was not as easy as I thought it would be, especially if it means closing your door and looking towards a new direction to face a new combat… but nothing makes it harder than the ignorance of not knowing what door needs closure, what wounds need absence to heal, how to do it, how to undo it and how NOT TO DO IT. It seems to me that I have lived in seclusion for the longest time now that I have already lost the art of involvement, for when I finally tried to arbitrate, just at the thought of doing it I already did wrong. If truth be told, being lost is tiring and I’m glad that finally… I understood.
Smile and relish the moments of your own make believe. Forge everything until your heart gets weary. Hang on the thin cord of falseness that you chose to imagine, force everything until you finally see that they aren’t real. If it’s your way of calling time to persecute you and resurrect you then so be it. You will never be beautiful as long as you keep on choosing the thing that you are not. Time will make TRUE amends and if it does come I will be happy for you. I was never good at waiting. For now, I will stop heeding; it’s time for me to delight in the happiness that since then belonged to me. I wish you luck.
I never thought that wearing a green shirt could be so much fun and I never thought that a day could just come when you’ll finally see the light that you were supposed to be seeing since it came to be yours. Somebody said my shirt was pretty and I knew it was… Somebody owned that shirt before me, someone who knew that life was beautiful and since then I have always been fascinated with life and all its unforeseen realizations. Someone I love, who thought me how to see behind beauty, to appreciate the value of “KNOWING WHAT IT WAS”. It’s time to look at a new direction for him. For now, I will stop heeding…
I wish you luck…
