Living in a glassbowl…

Happiness. Moments. Perfection. Love. Learning. Winning. Us. You said I am beautiful. You and me as each other’s masterpiece. All these in a life’s spark.  Thanks to you. =)

           For a moment, stop eating your fries…As I sit beside the most vulnerable and powerful man alive, as I share my quirk and my pleas, for god’s sake stop eating your fries!

            Was God even alive? Was god an entity fuller than what he really is? Are you a God? Everybody speaks out and nothing seems new. Why then should I listen? What more? Speak? And you try to explain. And you try to shed light to this poor subtle mind of mine. I feel stupid but I take it as it is and I take stupidity as folly. I refuse to be called that. I am limited but am, as I would like to be seen, learning. Why think when everybody already does?

Bakit kahit baduy yung kanta kumakanta ako?.. Parang kanta lang yan… plus philosophy plus science and science and philosophy. Lalung di ko naintindihan.

            It’s a given. A code of life, a curse to the living and you try to expound. Ask me and I answer with a shrug. At an instant I was disturbed by my nothingness. Wisdom to me is oblivious, if not, nonexistent. When I’m beside you I feel like a student, a colleague, a minion. Why are you so wise that I find it hard to penetrate? Yet you’re mine. There’s no use pondering over what’s historic, and so I’m back to my questions.

            The world is spinning, a bomb exploding over endless questions and she sits there eating her fries. I was made uncomfortable by such silence, by such peace. I go back to myself and his query echoed… so What do you think? You could say what you want, philosophize all you want. I am a scientist, I know thinking is a brain function a symbol of existence, awareness and life… AND I never wanted to be alone. That’s why I have you, that’s why I have my questions and ultimately the reason why I’m welcoming it. Thinking means breathing and it’s not something you can impose. You live by your own system even if you try holding it back. Silently I’m imposing something. Why think when everybody already does? Why listen when everybody speaks same thoughts over and over again? I thirst for life. Because I cannot impose, because I am limited…learning and don’t want to be alone. It’s my way of hearing other airways open, my way of living, breathing. It feels good to know others function as you do. A song, an article, a conversation and silence, suddenly I knew… all along I found existence on contentions and figuring things out has sustained me. It made me happy and kept me alive. There goes the shrug and no words were given out. And he says… Think about it, you should speak. Define yourself, your own. And I smile. I own a big thinking being, an airway broadly opened. And I hug you… you smile back.

            We are so in love and the world has revolved twenty million folds right that very moment… but some people are indifferent. We smile. And you say… look at that girl. Sarap nya kumain no? I’m well adjusted to your silly jokes. I would rather watch you smile. I say… yeah, she just won’t stop eating her fries. =)

And it’s been three years… ubermench… never fails, never fades…

Happiness in claiming what’s mine, of giving you what’s fit;

Never a day, that a tear fell from your presence, smiles are solely yours to provide

Says we can’t make it… falsified.

Live a thousand years more, let thousands bleed more.

Stay and I shall do the same, insistently

Having you, indefinable…

Thank you…

dear one.

as i said,I’m part pride part ignorance, deranged oftentimes confused… my recent blog entry is a contradiction of what I have. I’m confused but am happy. Heartbreaks are from me to a person I’m willing to give up for the sake of fidelity and intuition…of love, a concept who’s meaning I cannot fully grasp. It’s my limit and not anybody else’s.

Whew! Manila has turned into a jungle in just a snap. But what can make a day more special than counting ages out of a fallen tree’s belly.30 rings…Fairies in a playfield. Thanks Ate nikki…

All I do today is trying to be brave

And no melody can seem to soothe my mind

And now I curse you for being so sweet and so kind…

One day I’d learn to forget about you. As I find all the reasons to stay, I find myself walking away. What border is it that separates me from you, a barrier you created years ago? Is it commitment outside what is ours? Is it just time, too much time has elapsed without you being there. God knows, you taught me how to hate and forget. I remember how it feels to love you, but how it feels to hold on to you… that I do not know. To risk? That I am not capable of doing. If one day this shall turn into regret…as it was once your mistake, I’d feed myself with solitude. I’m confused. If destiny shall decide, I will hold on to you. If destiny shall take its part, I will come back. Destiny is indecision. Destiny is cowardice. …and yes I don’t have the courage to hold on or to let go. Bravery, I need not now. I hear your loneliness more than you do, I’m not a stone. I curse you for putting me into such a hard feat. To love you is to sacrifice, to be hurt, to be happy, to be left alone, to die for a while, to struggle, to survive, to be begged to come back, to be left on choices, to abandon my refuge, to hold you once again and to doubt whether or not to return to that cycle… to be hurt again. Don’t ask me if I love you. Don’t ask me about the things that I know very well but I’m not capable of defending. Hate me, but know this… I hate myself more than you do. My oath to the man who owns me, my heart to a man I once knew.

I see you’re moving on… and I don’t want to grab you while I’m still holding on to these doubts. One word and you shall come back but it’s not what I want. I shall wish you happiness, hoping that I shall find peace wihen you’re gone. My indecisions shall not make you suffer. Move on as you do, I felt it just today… you’re doing fine and you’ll be fine. I’m somebody else’s own. Smiles and sparks shall be replaced by indecisions for I am holding HIM. You taught me how to forget, let my memory grasp that wisdom. Goodbye… as if I’ll find dignity in these words. Goodbye is never eternal. When will I ever learn to mean those words? One day… some day… My oath to the man who owns me, my heart to a man I once knew…