Living in a glassbowl…

Fridays… I never looked up for such a day as much as I do now. The wonders of being forced to live one day at a time and finally loving that kind of routine. Sometimes when you foresee your future too much you tend to be hypercritical about what goes on for now, what could make or break your tomorrow, what could make you as a whole. Even when that whole is imaginary you tend to run after endless imaginaries and you find no contentment, if ever it exists at all, at the end of the road… missing out the details of what might have been “you” in a situation before those “tomorrows”. I’ve battled 4 weeks in PGH, and now all perspectives are turned. It’s no longer about guarding your future for things that can make it go wrong, or worst…go away, but about making everything go away to just let everything  go wrong, for you to have a chance to re-construct things that you didn’t know how to manage. It’s no longer what things I CAN’T do, but about what things I could learn from and eventually MASTER.

I’m stealing 5 min off my vanity time to write down my thoughts, never minding the notes that I should’ve finished for the night. You just write down. You feel happy. I scrapped out writing to manage all things that are expected of me for 2 months, I guess. Now, I ask my self back? What’s the difference between those cluttered groups everywhere whose sense of fashion yells about individuality and rebellion while in fact they all wear the same style of clothing and those people who scrap writing when they love it just to make time for things that are thought to be expected of her? Nothing. It’s just a matter of how well you blend with the selflessness of the crowd.

Everyday makes you an every-other person. I am overwhelmed by the changes that happened in a few months. Your mind broadens, it’s no longer hard for a 5-people, 1-critical appraising psyche to fit in. No matter how far you blend with others, you will always find that way back to your core values and aims. In turn, your core values and aims are re-constructed time-after time. It’s easier this time, all because, YOU ARE NO LONGER AFRAID. How typical for us all to undergo such archetypal process. Didn’t I hear that once in a song? You live and learn… But it doesn’t end at that. You live again…only, better and you find out that BEST is really not for you to state unless you’ve finally reached a limit. Limits are hard to find when fortuities and changes happen everyday.

Changes are indeed inevitable, that I understand now.